Latest Tweets:

We saw a guy in a fedora and pleather jacket.

"I wonder what his Reddit name is."

I found some old jeans. I said “Holy Crap, I was fat! Why didn’t you say anything?”

"I liked the way your gut rubbed on my junk while we were having sex."

*90

I'm starting back at the gym

  • Me: Maybe I should take photos to track my progress.
  • Her: Maybe you should just buy a Captain America suit.

*55

She doesn’t like the cinema

"If I wanted to sit in a room and listen to people cough and chew, I’d hand out popcorn in a doctor’s waiting room."

On testicles

"You know, I don’t actually like your balls. They’re like the fat friend you have to put up with so you can make out with the hot chick."

*52

I complained about getting some grey hairs.

"It’s OK, George Clooney. I’m sure you’ll find a pot-bellied pig to love you."

*41

I bruise easier than most people.

"Man, you look like a banana from the bottom of the bin!"

On chemistry.

"You can’t use silicone lubricant with silicone sex-toys because that’s how you get anti-matter in your vagina."

*32

On acrylic nails

"Last time I saw nails like that they were in Tommy Lee’s butt-hole!"

Advice to other women on toilet etiquette.

"Set your piss-muffin to stream instead of spray."